I need help. I don’t know when it started. I’m not even sure when I really realized it had happened. But somehow I fell into this hole. A deep, dark, cold hole in the ground that I couldn’t get out of even if I wanted to. Which I don’t. I know I should want to get better. I should want to be happy. I guess I do deep down. I just have no motivation to get to that place. It’s like some days there is a ladder I could climb but I choose to just lay down and cry instead. And that’s what I do. I go to work every day and I cry my whole ride home. Then I cry when I get home. And I eat all the time. And when I’m not working, or eating, or crying, I’m sleeping. The only thing I do is make my way out to see one person a few nights a week. It’s the only time I feel safe, alive and at home. Other than those few moments, I never feel completely comfortable.
I have an apartment. I’m living with a roommate, someone who was a good friend of mine. Now we are strangers barely getting along, living under those he same roof. My best friend only talks to me if I post something concerning on my social network. That’s nice and all but I constantly feel like I’m an obligation to the people around me. Like they got stuck with me and have to just roll with the punches until I just walk away. I wish I could. I want to just buy a tent and move into the middle of the woods. I’d live off the earth and be all by myself. Until I realized I was completely alone, just like I feel now. And I hadn’t actually changed anything except the white noise. I went to see a counselor. She had some sage advice such as
“don’t be so hard on yourself; not everything is your responsibility or concern; and you need to try to relax and try new things.”
That’s all well and good, perfect stranger, but that’s not who I am. I’ve never been that person, BD (Before Depression) or AD (After Depression). And it is so hard for me just to get out of bed in the morning, let alone to branch out enough to try new things. I want to lay in bed all day and eat and watch sad movies and cry myself to sleep. That’s all I want to do. Whenever I try to do anything lately, I mess something up. My father is blaming it on a rush of bad luck but I think it’s just me. I break things. I break anything I touch. I don’t know when that became true but it is true now. And I just don’t know what to do anymore. I want someone to help me. One person. I want him to tell need every morning that today will be a good day. I want him to tell tell me every night that he loves me, that I’m not the broken person I think I am but still the girl he fell in love with, just with a few clouds overhead. I want him to be my sunshine to force the clouds away. I know that will never happen. It can’t happen. I’ve gotta do this on my own. I dug this hole. I need to force myself to climb out of it. No ladder necessary. I just hope for the courage and the patience to get through this. Because there have been some very dark days. They get darker each time they come. I hope to find the light soon. Until then.
I’m effectively ruining every good part of my life. I’m pushing away the people I love the most. I’m losing all faith in myself. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to fix things. I love him and I want him to be here for me. I know he can’t be. I don’t need him every second of the day. Just a few minutes is fine. I just need to know someone who knows so much about me, about how broken I am, my mistakes, failures and achievements, and all of my flaws and he still loves me. I’m feeling like the world decided to turn it’s back on me. My best friends want nothing to do with me. My father abandoned me for his winter home, a state away. There’s only one person who seems to understand what’s going on with me, and it’s the one person who I was actually trying to push away. Because I know I’m hurting his relationship even by just being his friend.
It has been so long since I have seen your face. It’s almost strange to see the words flowing back onto the screen as they once did. What made me stay away for so long? What made me neglectful, you may ask. Things changed. Life happened. It got in the way as it most often does.
It started when I changed jobs. I’m back where I worked in my first year of college, and I’m loving it being there again. I moved out of my parents’ house. I’m living with a roommate (for now) and out in the world on my own. I’m struggling a lot. I have developed anxiety, which has become an unpleasant companion, to say the least. There never seems to be enough money. There never seems to be enough time. And there absolutely never seems to be enough of me to go around. I am only human, after all.
But I am back, despite it all. And eager to start writing and sharing my world with you again. I have plenty to share so I’m going to get started now. I hope all is well in your world and you are all healthy and happy!
Being single has its perks. It is great to flirt with whoever you want, especially considering I’m the kid of person who flirts with EVERYONE. I can’t stand the idea of having to tell someone else about every little thing I do throughout my day as I have done for years with my parents, so it’s nice not to have to do that. I also enjoy not having the stress of the interpersonal romantic relationship. It also has its downfalls. One major downfall becomes apparent on nights like these. Nights when all I need is someone here to keep me company; in the times when I feel truly alone in the world, like all my loved ones no longer belong to me.
I know this is crazy talk. I know that I have people who care about me, who love me more than anything. I can’t explain why I feel this way sometimes, but I just feel as if I’m standing on the top of a cold mountain, all alone, to climb down by myself. It isn’t a fun feeling. It’s pretty nauseating, to be honest. I sit here and go through the list of people who have left me in my life, including those who have left by choice, and those who had no choice. I know this isn’t a healthy habit to have. But I guess you could say it provides me with a reality check.
Sometimes it comes on throughout the day, leaving me desolate in the night. Sometimes it rushes through my veins in mere moments.
It’s this feeling of utter despair, like no one could possibly reach the depth to which you’ve fallen; no one can grab onto you and pull you out of your own misery. It is in these moments of sorrow that I wish I wasn’t single, that I wish I wasn’t alone.
But for now, I will have to wallow on my own. I will pull myself out of bed in the morning and forget about the darkness that surrounds me tonight.
Just thought I’d share this video with you all. I am going to do the Highway 1 trip this coming summer!
The only thing more terrifying than the creatures on this list is that there are very likely more frightening creatures in the sea that we have yet to discover, what with our fascination of things like the moon, or improving the latest iPhone. I mean, in all seriousness, why do we spend so much time neglecting the ocean when we should really be exploring what lies beneath us? I swim in the ocean, so I’d love to know what I might be swimming with.
Then again, after watching videos like this, I’m giving serious consideration to not swimming in the ocean ever again.
Do you ever watch a movie, hear a song or even hear one single sentence that just gets you thinking?
Well, that happened to me today.
I was watching a movie based in the 1960’s where a young boy asked his house maid why she was born black. Her answer was “I just was,” which made me think. That is a pretty big question. Why are we who we are? Why was I born the girl I am when other people are not like me? I don’t mean visually but deep inside. Outside too, I guess. Like people who are born with illness or disabilities. I believe it’s because we are the ones strong enough for it. Our paths are laid out before we are born, to prepare us for what’s ahead, to ensure we play our part in the world; we have to follow it in order to do all we are meant to, even (especially) when we don’t know what that might be.
I may not believe in God or religion, but that is something I can put my faith in.
Every time I read old entries from my journal, it gives me pause. I always find myself thinking how differently I see the situations now, afterwards. Everything seems like a big deal until it isn’t. Why do we, as people, let everything in the world fire us up? We should save the firing up for the good things in life, the electric things in life, the sparks that ignite our hearts. We shouldn’t waste our fire, our passion, on things that won’t even matter someday. The good things in life will always matter as they raise our spirits and bring us joy. The bad things in life only matter because they make us stronger and more grateful for the good. Life is going to happen, whether we want it to or not, so we’ve got to take things as they come, and let our fire burn bright.
I have been playing around with the idea of posting a resolutions list on here, and I still might. But I haven’t really found anything I feel I need to improve upon. I guess that could be seen as a good thing, right?
With all this thinking about the future that I’ve been doing lately, I haven’t taken the time to look back at this last year. After all, what is the new year all about if not celebrating the changes that have occurred in the past year, with hopes for the year ahead?
All of the things that have happened this year, they have changed me so much. Overall, I have had such a magnificent year. I have done things I would have never imagined I’d do. I lived alone for five months, moving hours away from my family and everything I knew. I learned to bartend. I graduated college (with honors). I turned 21 years old (obviously that one was anticipated, but it was still an amazing experience). I drove a car at over 110 miles per hour (which is another one of my weirdo, fantastic little goals in life that I can now say I have reached). I’ve dated older men (so risqué!) I learned what it means to have someone you love go to the other side of the world to defend our country. I tried my first shot(s) of Patron. I worked through my stage fright and have retained diva status because of my Karaoke nights in Vermont. I managed to support myself and (slowly but surely) began filling an entire house with life. I have made new friends, created a whole new family for myself. I have rebuilt myself from the inside out.
It hasn’t all been sunshine and daisies, as you well know. I have faced so much. It has only strengthened me. I haven’t let it tear me down.
When I look back on this time in my life, I will think of it as a time of reconstruction, of growth.
How is it that I can follow a year filled with so much? What can I possibly look forward to after all the good things that I have been graced with this past year?
I am looking forward to the many unexpected things that will happen this year to make it even better than the last. I know in my heart that this coming year is going to be magical. I hope that everyone else feels the same way, because how else should we look at the oncoming train that is 2014? Let us all look at it with our minds and hearts open to all the possibilities of the future!
Okay, so a couple of these are not necessarily exclusive to adulthood, but I feel like it is overall pretty accurate. I hope you can all find the humor in it that I found!
*Obviously this photo does not belong to me. I found it online and had to share it!
I’m sorry I haven’t posted anything lately guys. I just can’t find anything to write about…
And yes, I am aware that that’s a sad reflection on my life right now.
I guess that is pretty accurate though, that my life is nothing to write about at the moment.
I’ve been working, a lot. Going to the doctor’s for the first time in five years. Getting the flu (awesome). Attempting to make a plan for New Year’s Eve, which is literally the only kind of excitement in my boring mundane life.
So that’s it. My update for you. My excuse for the lack of writing on here. I promise I will come up with something worth talking about in the next few days.